Life has changed. More than you know

Since I last wrote an entry on here (which was quite some time ago) my life has changed so much that you wouldn't recognize it from the last entry. Michael and I ended up falling apart, he worked so much and things got hard and I felt alone. It happens and feelings change. And if you really want to take a look back if you go to my entries from April of 2005 you'll find brief mention of John along with a few big smiles. But in August of this year I moved in with John's sister Kerri whom you find lots of mention of in the entries from those days. And if you knew me back then you'd know I crushed big time on John. So after moving in with Kerri, John started coming by and thats really all there is to tell. It was like high school all over again. I was a giddy little school girl with a crush on the cutest boy in school, only this time it was real. And he wanted me back and that was that. He stole my heart and I'll never ask for it back because its there to stay. We both have the same wants in life and are ready for the same things. Which is good because in June of this coming year we will be having our own little bundle of joy. Now I wil say that it was a little soon cause if you do the math then you'll say to yourself 'DAMN! didn't waste any time did ya!' Well this definitely wasn't planned but we couldn't be any happier. He's my heart and soul as I am his. We have our up's and down's but at the end of the day we know that there is no one in this world better suited for the other. We are matching puzzle pieces and we fit together in complete harmony.

For nobody else gave me a thrill – with all your faults,
I love you still. It had to be you, wonderful you, it had to be you.
–Frank Sinatra

(i wants a kittehhhhhhhh)

Pooh: This is the best part of the day.
Christopher Robin: What part is that?
Pooh: When "you" & "me" become "we."

(it only took you and me 5 years)

Here's to you n me ringing in the new year. A whole life is ahead of us just waiting for the memories and moments to be made.
♥♥♥I love you honey more than anything out there. ♥♥♥

♥~:.~Mira*Brin~:.:~♥

A tale of smiles

On June 10th, 2009 I officially moved from the shithole that is West Virginia to the wonderous land that is Rhode Island. And I have never been so happy to come home. I'm finally no longer depressed, I smile everyday now. And thats something I haven't done so naturally in forever it seems. I'm still working on getting a job but thats coming along. And with a job eventually comes an apartment. All these things are finally falling into place and I couldn't imagine it being any better. On June 13th, 2009 I officially began dating Michael Bollwage. He is more than fantastic. I'm finally in a relationship that makes me happy instead of one where I cry every other day. He most definitely spoils me. He takes me as I am and its more than I could ever ask for. I love waking up and seeing his face there. No better way to wake up in the morning. But thats really enough about me. Im gonna post the goods now.
♥♥♥♥

While you were sleeping I figured out everything. I was constructed for you
and you were molded for me. Now I feel your name, coursing through my veins.
You shine so bright, it's insane. You put the sun to shame.

you’re all that I hoped I’d find,
in every single way.

I want warm summer nights, to lie in a hammock, staring at the stars, telling you stories.
I want to dip my toes in the water, to dangle my feet off the edge of the dock and sit
leaning forward, looking at you, laughing. To huddle around a fire on the beach, salt water
drying into my hair, reading from that book you always carry. I want to sit next to you on
a log and sleep next to you in a tent. I want to wake up early and make pancakes over a fire,
to wash the dishes in the river while we swim. To build sandcastles and castles-in-the-air.
I want to drive home with my bare feet on the dashboard, the windows down, my hair whipped
in every direction from the wind rushing through the open windows. I want to hear your voice
humming to the tune of the songs on the radio that you don’t know the words to. I want to be
able to look at you and smile and not say a word. To have adventures and passion and to truly live.

Sometimes when I let my mind run free, it never fails.
It goes right to you and a smile takes a hold of me

We must overcome the notion that we must be regular…
it robs you of the chance to be extraordinary and leads
you to the mediocre.

I like nonsense - it wakes up the brain cells.
Fantasy is a necessary ingredient in living.
It's a way of looking at life through the wrong
end of a telescope... and that enables you to
laugh at all of life's realities

I was amazed that they had so much to talk about.
From the second they saw each other, there was constant
laughing, and sarcasm, and commentary, something connecting
them that pulled taut or fell limp with each thought spoken.
Their words, like the music, had the potential to be endless.

The two of you... there's something uncanny about
the way you are with each other. I mean, everything.
The way you look at each other, the way she relaxes
when you put your hand on her back, the way you both
seem to know what the other is always thinking.
It's always struck me as extraordinary

It's when you can't stop smiling and he's the one you feel
happiest with. There's just that one thing about him you
just don't see in other guys; and when you're not with him,
the only place you want to be is in his arms

The most beautiful thing we can experience is the mysterious.
It is the source of all true art and all science. He to whom this
emotion is a stranger, who can no longer pause to wonder and
stand rapt in awe, is as good as dead: his eyes are closed.

When you start to know someone, all their physical characteristics
start to disappear. You begin to dwell in their energy, recognize the
scent of their skin. You see only the essence of the person, not the shell.
That’s why you can’t fall in love with beauty. You can lust after it,
be infatuated by it, want to own it. You can love it with your eyes
and your body but not your heart. And that’s why, when you really
connect with a person’s inner self, any physical imperfections
disappear, become irrelevant

I was so cynical, just inconvincible,
nobody seemed worth trusting.
But sure enough, just when I'd near given up,
you appeared there among the destruction.

We'll chase the stars to lose our shadow. Peter Pan and Wendy turned out fine
So won't you fly with me. Oh yeah, gonna fly with me now

If time was still the sun would never never find us. We could light up
the sky tonight. I would see the world through your eyes. Leave it all behind
If it's you and me forever. If its you and me right now. That'd be alright, be alright

There was a silence between them for a moment,
and she wondered if all women, when in love,
were torn between two impulses, a longing to
throw modesty and reserve to the winds and
confess everything, and an equal determination
to conceal the love forever, to be cool, aloof, utterly
detatched, to die rather than admit a thing so personal,
so intimate.

now you know i need a miracle,
a star crossed lover, an arrow in my heart
i need a rainy day in an endless summer,
a pocket full of stars

Passion is universal humanity.  Without it religion,
history, romance and art would be useless

'Tis said of love that it sometimes goes, sometimes flies;
runs with one, walks gravely with another; turns a third
into ice, and sets a fourth in a flame: it wounds one, another
it kills: like lightning it begins and ends in the same moment:
it makes that fort yield at night which it besieged but in the
morning; for there is no force able to resist it

Here's to the kids who's idea of a good time
is sitting on the hood of their car, watching the stars

He remembered that she was pretty, and, more, that she
had a special grace in the intimacy of life. She had the
secret of individuality which excites — and escapes

i think i’m a little bit in love with you, but only if you’re a little bit in love with me.

well. thats all for now. its time for bed. i'll update again. i promise

love you guys a million red m&m's

♥~:.:~Mira*Brin~:.:~♥

Dressed to kill.

It's May 1st.
Since my last entry there have definitely been a lot of things that have happened or gone on. I have made a lot of choices that are really going to make or break my future. I changed when I plan on being in RI. I've actually pushed the date up drastically. I have applied for two live in nanny jobs that will give me a place to live and a job that way I can make money and save it so I will one day be able to have my own place to live. I finished my semester at Ferrum. I made some really great friends this time around as well as get closer with ones I had from the start. Joanna and I became closer than ever. She really is amazing and we always have so much fun together. Then I have Stasi, if she hadn't lived across the hall from me and been so awesome I probably would have hated everyone on my hall and never come out of my room. Then I had little Lea, she constantly made me laugh and then some. She was my closest friend this time around. After spring break I actually spent pretty much the rest of the semester sick. I got mono and couldn't get out of bed for days. It was pretty shitty. Ferrum was still pretty miserable even with having great people to surround myself with. Although towards the end when the weather started getting really great it wasn't so bad. I know that I will miss it there but my chapter at Ferrum College is over. Coming home this past weekend was just as miserable though. Its been beautiful outside, but I haven't taken any advantage of it. Which is really sad, but if you lived here you wouldn't wanna go outside anyway. I have done nothing but sit in the house with absolutely nothing to do. Because I've had nothing to do I ended up joining the dark side that is twitter. It's bad that all I do on there is 'tweet' about how boring my days are. So hopefully one of these jobs will pull through and I can be on a bus out of this place. When it comes to my love life even though its semi lacking I do have one. During spring break I really connected with Anna's brother Micheal. And it was really great. We talk just about everyday and its going really well. He is just so different from any of the guys I have ever dated. He's considerably older which is nice because we can be on the same level about things. He is an all around artist and a good one at that. He likes the same kind of music as me. But during my week there we just connected and it was electric. I won't go on too much about it because we are spending all this time apart. But soon I will be able to see him everyday and Im sure that something will come of all this waiting. So that's pretty much all. So here are the goodies.

In my dreams, I see you at the foot of some mountains. And we're taking some pictures or something
And we'd better hurry up and it's late and. The sun keeps on shooting through pine trees
And the grass stains are wet on your new jeans  and we'd better hurry up
And I've become just like a terrible mess  searching the lines in my face for
something more beautiful than is there the crowds keep me coming back. Cheering.
In my dreams, I see you asleep on a twin bed the covers pulled up over your head.
Am I asleep or awake?

Falling in love is rather like a dance.
Each dancer has his or her own steps,
but for the dance to work, each dancer
must also understand the other's steps.

There's two types of people in the world,
the givers and the takers,
and the givers always sleep better.

The love of your life
may not be someone who you can
spend your life with

When I got older I decided I wanted to be a real writer.
I tried to write about real things. I wanted to describe the
world, because to live in an undescribed world was too lonely. 

I am the red in the rose, the flowers on the blankets on your
bedroom floor. And I am the gray in the ghost that hides with
your clothes behind your closet door. I am the green in the grass
that bends back from underneath your feet. And I am the blue in
your back alley view where the horizon and the rooftops meet.

I always take the high road and I always bite my tongue and say you're right, oh you're right.
And I never say just what I think for fear that you cant handle it but tonight, oh tonight
I cant hold back, I'm breaking out the gates and screaming. Give me back my voice again,
give me back my self, give me back my love again. I wanna give it to someone else
I will not calm down I wont be nice. Now, give me back.

The waitress, the actress have got the skin and the bones.
With the hairbrush and an air brush she'd be white gold

He said, "You're cynical and beautiful, you always make a scene.
You're monochrome, delirious, you're nothing that you seem. I'm
drowning in your vanity, your laugh is a disease. You're dirty and
you're sweet, you know, you're everything to me, and I want to
tear at your defenses till there's nothing left but me. You're beautiful
when you look angry, your love is such a tease. I'm drowning in your
dizzy noise, I wanna feel you scream."

In that moment I just wanted him to push me hard against the wall and
kiss me. I didn't want to think anymore. I didn't want to question it. I
just wanted to feel it. Sometimes that's all you need - is to feel it.

And so, while the rest of the world went on unaware,
drinking their coffee, reading the sports page, and picking up
thier dry cleaning, I leaned forward and kissed him, making a
choice that would change everything. Maybe somehwere there
was a ripple, a bit of a jump, some small shift in the universe,
barely noticeable. I didn't feel it then. I felt only him kissing me
back, easing into the sunlight as I lost myself in the taste of him
and felt the world go on, just as it always had, all around us.

They are dancing wildly to live music, whether it be pulsing trance
or cafe jazz, and wearing hand-strung popcorn necklaces as crowns.
These swinging cafe-au-lait kind of girls belt out karaoke standards
without missing a beat and scribble little crumbs of encouragement
n bathroom walls - they slip in and our of our world, cart-wheeling
and back flipping through life, and the tragedy is that sometimes we
only notice their presence when they're gone. Sometimes they fall into
our laps as best friends and curious strangers. Sometimes we are those wild girls

well. thats all for now. I will update again. when? who knows. but it will happen.

love you guys a million red m&m's

♥~:.:Mira*Brin:.:~♥

*the miles only go to show how much I miss you*

It's been over a month

And in that one month my life has been a roller coaster.
I was reading my old entries the other day and damn.
If someone who didn't know me were to read this they would call me one of the most fickle women on the planet.
From I love him to no not him I love this guy. It seems like I have more men than I know what to do with.
I decided that this year for Lent that I was going give up sex. And I think it was my most brilliant idea to date.
Its caused me to rethink a lot of things in my life and realize who is important to me.
I spent my spring break in Rhode Island and it was one of the best times I have had in my life.
It really made me remember why I love it up there so much. That place is truly my home.
I decided that after this semester that I'm going home and working so I can make the money I need
because come September I will move back up there. If I want to maintain my sanity its what needs to happen.
The days I spent there were just so incredible. Leaving was the saddest thing ever.
I never thought I would see the day where I was miserable here at Ferrum. But its happened.
I sit around day in and day out just completely miserable. Counting down the days till I get to go home.
And once that countdown ends a new one begins. The one that counts down the days till i get to go to my real home.
To see the people I could spend everyday around and never be tired of them. And the one that makes my heart skip a beat.
Until then I can only try to smile.



I was thinking about how it drives me crazy
just to feel your hand in mine and how simple that is.

There is such a place as fairyland -- but only children can find the way to it.
And they do not know it is fairyland until they have grown so old that they forget the way.
One bitter day, when they seek it and cannot find it, they realize what they have lost; and
that is the tragedy of life. On that day, the gates of Eden are shut behind them and the age
of gold is over. Henceforth, they must dwell in the common light of common day. Only a
few, who remain children at heart, can ever find that fair, lost path again; and blessed are
they above mortals. They, and only they, can bring us tidings from that dear country where
we once sojourned and from which we must evermore be exiles. The world calls them its
singers and poets and artists and storytellers; but they are just people who have never
forgotten the way to fairyland.

I can feel the warmth...the radiating beauty. It seems to surround you in a sticky, sweet membrane,
that I can jump into... it makes me feel weightless. The more I reach for you, the deeper in I am taken.
The more I see you, the further I am blinded. Until I can hold your hand in mine, and we can touch
fingertips so gently, humanity could not perceive the tenderness in our hearts



little buttercups and wild daisies by the lily pond;
remember, baby?
blowing dandelions, my only wish was you.

so let's dance this night,
let's paint this town red with city lights.
with the wind at our hair.
some place we can go
to decide if we pulled off something
that you didn't care to do.

I haven`t forgotten about him, or that night.
But there are too many good things going on
right now for me to linger in the past. Fate will
take care of everything & if we were meant to
have another night like that one, we will.



And they tell us that we’re crazy, but you are luminous. And I am golden.
And although we aren’t special, we are here, and we are now, and we are
no one but ourselves. And in that moment I think that I knew, and I realize
now that I am content with what I know, and I realize that this is what I want.

You wipe the tears from my eye and you say that all that it takes is a phone
call I cry at the thought of being alone and then I wonder how long it will take
until I'm home again.

Touching him was always important to me. It was something I lived for. Little, nothing
touches. My fingers against his shoulder. The outsides of our thighs touching as we
squeezed together on the bus. I couldn't explain it, but I needed it. Sometimes I imagined
stitching all our little touches together. How many hundreds of thousands of fingers
brushing against each other does it take to make love



Across a city from you, I'm with you, just as an August night, moony, inlet-warm,
seabathed, I watched you sleep, the scrubbed, sheenless wood of the dressing-table
cluttered with our brushes, books, vials in the moonlight-or a salt-mist orchard,
lying at your side watching red sunset through the screen door of the cabin, G minor
Mozart on the tape-recorder, falling asleep to the music of the sea. This island of Manhattan
is wide enough of  both of us, and narrow: I can hear your breath tonight, I know how your
face lies upturned, the halflight tracing your generous, delicate mouth where grief and laughter
sleep together.

and i could see our days are becoming nights
i could feel your heartbeat across the grass
we should have run
i would go with you anywhere

oh, i need you now. the earth fell fast asleep.
this room is safe and sound
will you lay here with me, and feel it



But this, this was altogether new, and it made her unsure. Putting her hand to
his cheek, his scratchy beard, she drew his face down to hers. He was trembling.
She felt like she was the boy and he was the girl and that gave her courage. She might
not have gone to college but she knew about this, how to press against a boy, wake him up.
That kiss. Sewn on her body, stitched onto her skin



well. thats all for now. after all. it is 5am.
i'll update again soon. i promise.

love you guys a million red m&m's
♥~:.:Mira*Brin~:.:~♥
*677 miles can't diminish whats real*

I'm a fucking idiot.

Seriously.
He called my name and I took him back.
He said I'm sorry and I forgave him
He said one day at a time and I let him back in.
I apparently will never learn.
This is what they call being masochistic.
Because I'm only hurting myself in the end.
But god do I love his smile, his hands, his eyes, his manner of being.
He is everything I love and everything I hate.
I'll take hit after hit if it means I can lay in his arms every once in awhile.
I'm told I'm being used. And not even half of me cares.
How awful is that. Even the rational part of my brain isn't screaming at me.
It's letting me go on. At least I know that I'm alive because I'm feeling the pain.
The only thing that gets me through most days is the memories that I have of us.
And I can only hope that one day... maybe one day. We can be all that I know we can.
That we will have that house we've dreamed of, the kids that are perfect combinations of us.
The teepee in the back yard. The one cat that I'm allowed to have. The life we so desperately wish
we could have right this moment. Until then I will take what I can get. I can't be without him if I
tried. I can't bear the thought of anything happening to him. I can't even say I would make it through
something like that. All I know is that I love him with all of my heart and soul. No matter how much
I get hurt. He will always have my heart. It's his to do with as he pleases.



I need you. I need the guy who can make me laugh just by the way he says
hello when I pick up the phone, the guy who makes my hands shake when
I'm sitting next to him, and the guy who isn't afraid to keep hugging me
when I'm not ready to let go yet.

I want to get to a point where no matter what happens, no matter how long
we go without being together, no matter how many fights we get into, that
all we need is a kiss & suddnely we remember why we love each other.

Sometimes I think I need to get away,
Pack all my things, get on a plane,
Head off alone one summer day,
Never look back at the town i called home,
maybe visit california,I hear its nice there in the summer,
but all the waves and coastline and sunset shores
would just make me miss you more.